Interest and Apathy

Regrets

People talk about not wanting regrets a lot, and I definitely understand why. They’re scary. The idea of always being ashamed or reluctant about something you did in your life that you can never change that you just have to deal with for your entire existence from that point forward is terrifying.

Lately though, I’ve noticed that all the things people warned me I’d regret, I don’t. I remember a lot of the terrible work I’ve done in school and on that same note I remember a lot of the work I straight up didn’t do at all in school, and people always told me that I’ll wish I’d tried harder, or that I’ll wish I’d been better and put the effort in.

Who the fuck has the time/energy/need to worry about the shit they’ve already done? Why would a human being waist even a moment of their existence regretting crap they wish they did or didn’t do? You’re not gonna care about this crap twenty years from now; that’s total bull shit. As if anyone alive has ever spent more then ten seconds a day wishing they studied harder for a test.

Not only do I not regret any bad grades I got from years and years ago, I don’t regret any bad grades I got last year. I can’t even remember how much shit I should have done that I didn’t do. Even the wrongs I’ve done to other people have faded into the white board of my life that’s constantly being written over and smudged.

Do the things you think you should do, but do them for fear of the future, and not for fear of the future’s past. Anything that’s really in the past, has already affected you, and isn’t worth thinking about.

Unless you remember something funny. That’s gold.

College Essay

The more I try to write a college essay revealing my inner self and my inner voice, the more I realize that just how unoriginal human’s might be. I mean, any part of my personality that isn’t based on the mountains of television and movies I’ve fallen in love with is based on the personality and values that I believed my friends had. Not even their actual personality, the personality I perceived while we talked and while we spent time together.

But of course they didn’t have an original personality either because at best a personality is based on a person’s experience and if you think about it, people don’t do things that nobody’s ever done before. That’s why literature from a billion years ago is still relatable.

The concept that most people I know believe is that people have a shell that they broadcast for the rest of the world, but everyone also has an inner core that is their true self. The more comfortable we get with ourselves, the more our shell resembles our core. Have you guys seen your inner core? Because I haven’t. I mean… I know when I’m acting and not being natural, but I’ve been thinking about it all day, and when I ask myself, “who am I?”, the only answer I can come up with is that I am the person I act like, and the person that thinks like I think.

By far the biggest problem with all of this is that my state of mind changes so often that I already hate everything I just wrote in this completely irrelevant sad excuse of a thought process.

Happy Birthday Charlie Sheen!